my excommunication

A lot of times people ask me why I haven't sent in my letter to resign from the LDS church. The main reason is they're not bothering me.

Plus, if fourteen years of non-participation on my part isn't sufficient for them to take a hint on their own and stop considering me a member, then all I can say to them is "Whatever, dude."

The other reason is that -- as entertaining as it must be to correspond with Greg Dodge's office -- I can't help but feel like it would be just that much funnier if they excommunicated me.

I can see it now...

*** screen goes all wavy as we cut to the imagination sequence ***

Judge of Love: Chanson, do you swear to be completely honest and truthful with this court?

chanson: I swear to be as truthful as Joseph Smith himself!!!

JoL: Is it true -- as you have posted to the Internet many times -- that you had sex in the library at BYU?

chanson: Duh, obviously. And if you guys are so interested in sex stories, there are plenty more where that one came from!!! Next question.

JoL: Is it true that you were already a closet non-believer when you started attending BYU?

chanson: Yes.

JoL: Yet you attended BYU and even graduated. Does this mean you lied on your ecclesiastical endorsement interviews?

chanson: That would be a logical conclusion, given the evidence.

JoL: But did you? Yes or no?

chanson: Funny story -- during each interview, an angel appeared and told the bishop I had been called to do an important work of writing racy stories involving BYU students, and hence the bish needed to sign my form without asking me any touchy questions. I remember thinking this was pretty cool but wondering why my patriarichal blessing said nothing about this calling if it was important enough for an angel to intervene. But, y'know, those patriarichal blessings are really hit-or-miss sometimes....

JoL: Is that a joke? Are you trying to be funny?

chanson: What do you mean? Are you saying that stories of angelic visitations are a priori absurd? I thought Mormons believed in angelic visitations...

JoL: We do, it's just that the now that the true gospel hierarchy has been restored, the Lord would have sent His message as a prompting to a priesthood holder with authority over you rather than sending an angel to appear to you in person.

chanson: Really? That's not what the angel told me. Maybe you can take it up with him. His name was Nephi.... No wait, Moroni.....


This was posted to Exmo-Social and RfM in July of 2005.